Texas Club Pummels Canadian Club at HBS Club Fair

Wed Sep 18, 4:02 PM ET
CAMBRIDGE (AP) – Students were shocked and astonished when violence broke out at last week’s Harvard Business School Club Fair. Eyewitnesses recounted conflicting stories as to how the ruckus actually started, but according to several spectators, Sara Bergson (OB), David Hirsch (OG) and Class Co-President Ann Marie Jensen (OI) (also known as the Toronto Trio) climbed on top of the Canadian Club table at the HBS Club Fair and began to sing loudly the Canadian National Anthem, “O Canada.” At this point, several bystanders confirm hearing Laurent Therivel (OA) run from the Williams Room into the Merideth Room screaming, “Y’all fixin’ to get your ass beat!”

Texas sectionmates Robert Kimmel (OH), John Berger (OH), and Brian Hoskins (OH) then ganged up on former buddy Kristen Hatto (OH) of Edmonton and began pulling his hair and chanting “Let’s brand ‘im like a heffer!”

Brian Ginsler (OD) briefly distracted Wayne Vacek (OE) from Austin with threats of pending poor weather. After looking out the window and seeing sunny skies, Vacek hit Ginsler over the back with a folding chair while trying to claim that Texas was more of a country than Canada.
Tina Snowden (OA) of Lubbock, Texas, then stood on her hands and knees behind Jeff Bonyun (OE), while Brian Landrum (OK) pushed Bonyun in the chest, making him fall over backwards, and bringing back memories of the 3rd grade. Landrum later said, “A lot of people think I’m just some investment banking geek from Goldman, but I’m a Texan first.”

Jatin Kakkar (OA) was then seen pulling chest hair from Ginsler. When questioned by authorities, Kakkar admitted that his home region is India. “Yes, I come from the land of Gandhi and learned much from his non-violent messages, but I was also a banker and consultant and pain is my forte.”

Bergson attempted to defend Canada verbally by claiming how tough the Canadian Mounties are. Conner Searcy (OA) of Houston countered by pointing out that historical examples have proven how any member of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleading Team can beat up most members of the Canadian Mounties.

After cleaning up his table at the end of the Club Fair, Midwest Club Co-President Eric Hiller (OH) reported seeing Hatto nursing a fat lip with an ice pack over his eye and screaming, “You big bullies just wait until winter comes! We’ll be back with hockey sticks!”

When asked for comment, HBS Dean Carl Kester released this short statement: “We have corroborating reports that the Canadians were the instigators of this debacle, and as a result, all members of the Canadian Club are being investigated for possible Community Standards violations. I have no further comment.”

After it was all over, Becky Silver (OI) and Sumi Balamohan (NH), witnesses, and members of the Midwest Club, had this to say: “We think the moral of the whole story is… Don’t Mess With Texas.”

Any resemblance between this news story and real world events is purely coincidental.