Superbowl Sunday

Ahhhhh, the Superbowl is upon us! For those of you who don’t know or care about football, (likely many of the same people who care VERY MUCH about SOCCER, as we obnoxious Americans insist on calling it), this article is an attempt to prepare you for the madness that will ensue next Sunday.

So what is the Superbowl all about? Well, the simple answer is that the Superbowl is the championship game for the National Football League, the umbrella organization for professional football in the U.S. The NFL is divided into two conferences, the AFC (American Football Conference), and the NFC (National Football Conference), and all you really need to know is that in the Superbowl, the AFC Champions play the NFC Champions for all the marbles. Our very own New England Patriots will be representing the AFC this year, battling for the national championship against the expansion-team Carolina Panthers (yes, Carolina fans, your Panthers are still an expansion team!) For reasons explored later in the article, this means that, like it or not, as temporary New Englanders, you will experience this Superbowl in a very, very firsthand way. In order to properly prepare you, I’ve compiled a quick guide to watching the Pats in the Superbowl, here in Boston.

While the Superbowl is ostensibly about football, athletes, competition, city pride, and conference rivalry – in truth, the Superbowl is about much, much more… For many, the Superbowl is an opportunity to get gut-bustingly full and incapacitatingly drunk. Superbowl Sunday is second only to Thanksgiving in the volume of food and alcohol consumed per person on any given day in the U.S. These snacks and frosty beverages are only the beginning, though. If turkeys thought Thanksgiving was tough, they should ask chickens about the last weekend in January.

Wings, glorious hot wings, are a staple of every male-run Superbowl party, often arriving in enormous styrofoam containers, surrounded by enough celery and blue cheese to feed the HBS community several times over. Just as frat boys from California to New York mow down drummy after drummy, more civilized parties include hundreds of pounds of seven-layer Mexican dip, meatballs on toothpicks, and any number of Velveeta-based finger foods.

As if the food, beer, and football weren’t enough of a draw, the commercials aired during the Superbowl add more fun to the fire.

Companies pour millions of dollars into developing their newest campaigns, and then spend millions more to have these aired during the Big Game. Who remembers the Cheetah commercial from Marketing?

That was first aired during the 2000 game. It is ads like this that create what is truly a unique phenomenon: people actually hit the restrooms during the game itself, in order to make it back to their blow-up chairs in time for the commercials. Be sure to do the same – you won’t be disappointed.

Were the Pats not in the Superbowl this year, my story would perhaps end with a reference to watching the game at a bar in Fenway and taking the T to avoid post-game traffic, made worse by the fact that everyone in Boston will be drunk as a skunk. Because the Patriots are in the Big Game, though, I will first recommend that the skittish among you avoid any known Masshole gathering places. This includes not only every bar in Fenway, but every bar in Boston, Cambridge, Somerville, and all nearby cities, towns, and villages. For the tough ones, though, you’re in for a real treat. Put on your patriotic Sunday best, and, whether the Pats win or lose, you will get more play than on a section ski trip, see more topless women than at the Foxy Lady, hear horns honk until dawn, and maybe, just maybe get to help some Massh#les tip a car. Hopefully it won’t be yours. GO PATS!!!!