As a next door neighbor to the Newbies located in the basement of Aldrich, we’ve come across some key observations. While there is some truth to the accusation that a few members of beloved Section A had observed a few Newbies partaking in an afternoon dance party, we would like to point out that this was done simply as an act of public service. You see, a Newbie is a peculiar animal, and many of us from the more (how should we put this?) “intellectual” sections have been lured into conversations with them and have wasted precious minutes answering questions about items such as our favorite body parts or our take on the new N*Sync album. Soon after engaging in this conversation we realized that we had fallen into the “Newbie trap.”
Since then, we have kept close tabs on our neighbors in order to help other sections avoid this pitfall. Therefore, after careful research and analysis, we humbly present the Absolut A early warning signs for the “Newbie trap,” otherwise known as…
Top 10 Ways to ID Newbies
10. Life aspiration is to be on MTV’s “The Grind.”
9. Most likely to perish in a nightclub fire because instead of leaving when told that “the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire,” they just scream “we don’t need no water let the motherf****r burn.” Then, somewhat inexplicably, they just kind of wave their hands in the air as if they just didn’t care.
8. Respond embarrassingly to the casual comment that “It’s getting hot in here.”
7. Recognize Newbie women by their large collection of plastic beaded necklaces.
6. Almost halfway through this list, many are still trying to figure out why 9 came after 10….
5. You’ve seen many of them before on “hotornot.com”
4. Know the name of every bartender at the Red Line. But, every bartender at the Red Line knows them as “that obnoxious group from HBS that never leaves a tip.”
3. Newbie men try to pick up women at the Spangler Pub by using the line “Hey, I go to HBS…”
2. Spend an entire party (or an entire page in the Harbus) telling inside jokes to people who couldn’t care less how often Cedric wears pink
1. They’re the ones most likely to use the phrase “do you want fries with that” in their interview preparation
With these helpful warning signs in mind, we hope that our fellow RC students will have a more productive time at HBS. Meanwhile, for you Newbies (at least those few of you who have managed to get this far), we can’t wait to hear about the next time Drew refers to a “shopping bag.” Really, we’re on pins and needles….
This has been a public service announcement from your friends in Absolut A, a member of the HBS Improvement and Wellbeing society.