HBS Soccer Settles for Third Place in Annual Yale Cup

New Haven, CT
Despite a stubborn defense that only allowed two goals and an offense which finished with a tournament leading 13 tallies, the Harvard Business School Soccer team fell in the semi-finals of the annual Yale Cup 1-0 to the green monsters of Tuck. This latest page in the bitter rivalry between the two schools is not one that will be quickly forgotten by the HBS community.

Team President TJ “Get Out of My Cab” Carella commented on the team’s effort last weekend, “Given the tribulation faced by this team, I’m proud of the effort the guys put on to get as far as we did. We lost several players to Priscilla and had another key player brutally attacked by numerous large and muscular law school students prior to the tournament. The ones who made the trek to New Haven made a real sacrifice. However, the bottom line is that we didn’t put the biscuit in the basket when we needed to. We didn’t come back with the cup, and that’s just not acceptable.”

Co-President Brian “Bad Boy” O’Connor was quick to agree. “Everyone knows that soccer players look good in dresses. The guys that made this trip definitely had to give up a lot. The effort displayed on the field was outstanding; however, it is a bit disappointing to give that semi-final match away.

But attitudes were not quite as optimistic amongst other team leaders.

Clearly frustrated after the match, veteran sweeper Mike “Get Back on Defense or I’m Going to Hurt You” Marty went off, “We lacked focus the entire tournament and really let the media get to us. When the team saw the Wall Street Journal rankings listing Tuck seven spots above HBS we were visibly deflated. I mean, if the WSJ believes Tuck really is a better business school than HBS, what does that say about our soccer program? We never really recovered from that article.”

Dwight “Yoga Man” Angelini also jumped in, “I’m tired of all these horse [poop] excuses. That [flippin] game was ours to win and we just gave the [mother floppin] thing away. I just wish we would stop blaming all this [poo] on others. Everyone spends so much [dagum] time yelling at the [gosh dern] referees I can’t even concentrate on my game. We need to stop acting like a bunch of [female doggies] and start playing like we know we can.”

Regardless of the conflict over the cause of HBS’s loss, no one questions the dominance HBS displayed in moving through the bracket and the first round of elimination.

HBS 5 – Duke Alumni 0
The opening match of the tournament saw HBS come out nearly as cold as the frosted New Haven field that they were playing on. Despite dominating play and several strikes which caught the wood frame, HBS failed to find the back of the net. Finally, with time dwindling in the first half, Carella fielded a long pass and buried a left footed shot. HBS continued its dominance in the second half adding four goals to its tally.

Hendrik “GQ” Almstadt posted the shut-out in net for Harvard.

HBS 1 – Maryland 0
HBS showed incredible poise in knocking off last year’s champion, University of Maryland, on a goal in the waning minutes of regulation play.

This hard fought match saw both teams with several early opportunities.

However it was the strong goaltending of Ryan “Ghetto Superstar” McMonagle and the solid midfield play of Santiago “Backstreet Boy” Marra and Ali “Muhammad”Ashurov that enabled HBS to establish the pace of play. After several solid opportunities, HBS managed to finally find the back of the net thanks to a rocket from the powerful right foot of Ben “I Write the Articles, so I Can Say Whatever I Want” Chatraw. The shot, which nearly ripped a hole in the goal netting, gave the keeper no chance After the match, Maryland officials were outraged when Chatraw refused to be tested for THG claiming, “There is no way that guy’s physique is natural.”

HBS 6 – Wharton 1
HBS capped off its bracket play with another impressive victory over Wharton to claim the top spot in its group. HBS was never really contested, but was led by Surya “The Brazilian Banana” Mendonca and Angelini both of whom added two goals and continued to show an uncanny ability to score goals in lopsided victories when the goals really don’t matter.


HBS 1 – Duke 0
After advancing from round robin play, HBS found itself in another fire fight against the Dukies from Durham. The first 58 minutes of play saw a scoreless draw thanks to the HBS defense which put together the performance of the match. Outside defenders Alex “Bambi” Saltonstall and Ro “I’m Man Enough to Play in White Shoes” Diehl, who led the tournament in both slide tackles and number of balls kicked out of bounds, deterred attack after attack.

Finally, with less than two minutes remaining in the match, Diehl put away the goal of the tournament, using his head to find the back of the net with authority. Deihl who proceeded to celebrate by showing his nipples to the sideline could be heard shouting, “La defensa tiene que hacerlo a veces todo.”

Although clearly disappointed with the Tuck loss, HBS is vowing revenge. Maximo “I am” Hang really summed it up best, “La £nica raz¢n que ganaron era porque ten¡an m s jugadores de la Argentina que nosotros hizo. Next time, we will win.”

HBS returns to action in the Boston graduate league finals this week against the Kennedy School of Government where HBS hopes to defend last year’s title.