Black Monday

Some of you may have noticed that I have been missing from the pages of The Harbus for a few issues. I’m sure many of you were very concerned about my whereabouts, but rest assured that I was simply enjoying an EC mid semester sabbatical. That’s right, while you were toiling away, I was in the Bahamas enjoying some sunshine and some much deserved R&R. Either that or I was trying to keep my head above water during hell week, and too lazy to get my article in on time the rest of the weeks. You be the judge.

Anyway, on to the real story now // The topic that I want to dive into is one that is very timely for many of you RCs. It may be something that you would rather not hear or talk about, but it is time. The calendar does not lie. Black Monday is upon us…

A few of you innocent souls are currently thinking, “What is Black Monday?” Since I will not be there to enjoy you naively placing your foot in your mouth when conversing with dejected classmates, I am going to break the news to you and rob you of your last few precious days of innocence. Black Monday is the day after the Thanksgiving holiday.

Why is it Black Monday you ask? It is thusly dubbed because it is the grim day when many HBS RCs are returning from their first trips home since the start of HBS.

Why does this matter? This is the first time that they have seen their long distance significant others face-to-face for quite some time.
And what does that mean? It will mean they will have to explain all of those phone calls not taken, and messages not returned. It is the first time they will have to reckon for their long nights of Scorpion Bowl races at the Hong Kong, their first time admitting to the debauchery of their section retreat (ahem, New C’s…) and their first chance to admit that the long distance thing is “not working out.”

If you are not one of the people that will be returning “newly single”, you may be wondering what this means for you? Well, if you are looking for section love, it means that more people are going to be on the market replica watches. Some of them may already have been somewhat on the market, but now they will be more unfettered. If you are friends with someone who is newly single, now is the time to make sure that they don’t spend too much time at home moping. Frequent trips to the BU bars in Allston are in order for guys. Girls are directed to any event that will be devoid of rebounding HBS guys.

If you happen to be on the receiving end of newfound singleness, please accept my condolences and keep your chin up. If you will be the deliverer of the dreadful news, please use any of these top ten HBS approved lines when facing your teary eyed boyfriend/girlfriend/fianc‚e/wife/husband/mother/etc:

1. I would like to respectfully disagree with your point that we should be together .

2. After some reflection I just don’t feel that I am my Best Self with you.

3. I ran the numbers and I just don’t think that our relationship is NPV positive.

4. When you didn’t even congratulate me on my section’s huge boat race victory, I just felt like you didn’t care.

5. You’re still number 91 in my heart, but if that isn’t enough for you, I just don’t know if we can go on like this.

6.Building on your last point that I have seemed emotionally detached and unapproachable for the last two months, I would like to suggest that maybe we shouldn’t be together.

7. It came to me in a flash of insight when I learned that cranberries bounce, we’re just not meant for each other.

8. If you can’t understand that I identify with “Frank the Tank”, maybe we just don’t have as much in common as I thought.

9. I’m just not sure if I can be with someone who’s not familiar with the 4 P’s, two-by-two matrices, and DCF models.

10. I won a skydeck for “Most likely to hook up with a sectionmate”, and I just couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t try to live up to my potential.

Now it will come as no surprise to you that I came to HBS single, and have since been disowned by my family, disavowed by my friends and forgotten by everyone except my creditors. All that and I get to be That Guy. Life is good.