Trump Invokes Defense Production Act

POTUS orders Harvard Business Publishing to manufacture toilet paper.

Chafing under pressure from a desperate public, President Donald J. Trump invoked the Defense Production Act on Tuesday, giving himself sweeping new authority to direct the production of American firms during times of national emergency. In his very first order, he commanded Harvard Business Publishing (HBP) to transition immediately to the production of toilet paper. Our sources confirmed that the government reached a tentative deal with the publisher late Tuesday night.

During a brief address from the Rose Garden, the President admitted, “I didn’t really want to do this, okay? This was nobody’s number one choice—it was definitely number two.”

According to an HBP insider with knowledge of the deal, “The toilet paper will be marketed under several brands and there are plenty of details left to squeeze out, but at this point we’re confident that the slogan will be, ‘HBP Toilet Paper: It hits your bottom line.’” 

More recently, sources inside the school’s Social Enterprise Institute (SEI) have confirmed that a two-ply version will also be available under the brand name “Double Bottom Line.” When pressed for comment, an SEI spokesperson added, with some discomfort, “What can I even say about that?  The world has become a strange place. We wish everything were more…regular, but we’re making the best of it.” 

So far, the reaction from students has been more positive. Barely containing her enthusiasm, one EC told us, “This is amazing. You know what I should do? I should write a case about this. Oh wait, I can’t, because there is no one to print it.” Said another, “I can get behind this.”

In a second official statement released on Wednesday afternoon in order to “address rumor-mongering by shameless juveniles,” an aggrieved HBP spokesperson was heard to say, “For the record, Harvard Business Publishing has never made toilet paper before. We normally publish cases. Don’t you dare say anything.”

The editors of instagram account @DearHarby could not immediately be reached for comment.