Jana Kierstead Claims She Does Not Control US Department of State

Students protest after Administration permits the United States government to
flag all countries as Level 4 risk.

The United States of America issued a rare Global Level 4 health advisory, asking citizens to “come home immediately.” The Government advised, “Have a travel plan that does not rely on the U.S. Government for assistance,” which is usually what happens in the movies right before the world ends.

Across campus, HBS CIO Ron S. Chandler was staring out his window, knowing his moment had finally come. He was being tasked with making HBS go online without taking an extra week off—like literally every other business school in the country. 

Chandler had just returned from Best Buy, where he was forced to buy every tablet and laptop in sight. He was prompted to go after Angela Crispi banged on his door and shouted, “RONNY THIS ISN’T UCLA ANYMORE. THIS IS THE BIG LEAGUES, AND WE NEED A BIG LEAGUE PERFORMANCE OR YOU WILL BE ENJOYING SUNNY CALIFORNIA ONCE MORE.”

Chandler’s reflection time was interrupted when he received a network usage alert. Jana Kierstead, Executive Director for MBA and Doctoral Programs, was the recipient of 90% of network traffic. Chandler shrugged and said, “Better go check this out.” When he arrived in Spangler and walked past the one person still there, Kierstead was sitting in her office shaking her head. Her inbox was being bombarded with messages from students demanding to know why HBS had, yet again, “dropped the ball.”

“We were outraged when HBS decided to cancel FGI, and even though two weeks’ time clearly proved it was the right decision, many of us feel that the US government simply followed HBS’s lead. This is a clear case of HBS sort of causing its desired outcome,” students claimed. Sources say the number one request from students was to have the school reimburse all other travel between Spring Break and Graduation 2021 to show the school “actually cared” about students.

Other students were petitioning Kierstead to, at the very least, loosen the Government’s rating, reminding her she “must know people” who could adjust the policy so they would feel less guilty about traveling the world mid-pandemic. “The way I see it, I have increased relative buying power—I have a total opportunity here to see the one country I have not yet traveled to, at only a fraction of the price,” one student insisted. “And, it will be WAY less crowded. Let me go!!!”

After three hours of non-stop messages, Kierstead simply put on an out-of-office message, claiming she needed to enter a 14-day digital quarantine. Kierstead was seen nervously refreshing her inbox early the next morning, only to have her iPhone immediately crash.