That Guy Offers Networking Tips for Your Summer Job Search

Like many of you, That Guy has given up on the traditional process of getting jobs (namely, researching promising companies and arranging interviews to discuss possible employment opportunities). It appears that the criteria for getting an interview have changed somewhat since the economic downturn of the new millennium. Allow That Guy to demonstrate the differences:

Summer Internships in 1998

o Companies eagerly anticipate meeting the latest crop of first year HBS students.

o Recruiters fawn over student’s accomplishments.

o Students use their Morgan Stanley offer as leverage to get a higher salary at Goldman Sachs

o Hordes of students leave top MBA programs to start Internet companies.

o Career Services works overtime to ensure companies have access to HBS’s limited talent pool.

Summer Internships in 2003

o Companies eagerly anticipate not going bankrupt.

o Recruiters ask students to please stop humping their legs.

o Students use their first born child as leverage to get an unpaid internship at Cinnabon.

o Hordes of students talk to interviewers about their failed Internet companies.

o Career Services works overtime to launch student exchange program with McDonald’s Hamburger University.

Given the realities of this brave and sucky new world we live in, please allow That Guy to offer you some sage advice for your networked summer job search:

o Stay in touch with your former part-time high school employer. Disinfecting bowling shoes may prove to be the perfect “in” for that cushy job in private equity next year.

o Forget that whole “use the MBA to explore new industries and career avenues” crap. If your parents do not run the company that you are applying for, you will fail. Period.

o Companies will often use certain underhanded tactics like “exploding offers” or “imploding offers.” If you find yourself on the receiving end of such an offer, accept it immediately and thank God it ends with the word “offer.”

o If there is a particularly intelligent individual in your section who has secured a good summer job offer, consider killing him/her and stealing his/her identity.