THAT GUY Declares Dec. 5 To Be

Not since Three’s Company has there been an environment with more bluster and less sex than HBS.

How can this be allowed to go on? What is the problem with you people? Has there ever been a group of people more primed for love? All around are hundreds of men and women in their peak years. Scrubbed, shaved, waxed, buffed, moussed, manicured, rolfed. Hard-working, energetic, active, toned, healthy. Eager to please. Good teeth. Unlimited access to the finest in birth control technology. Surrounded by an international buffet of available singles.

Even with all that, you could find more hot action at a nursing home on Giblet Gravy Night.

Ah, but, why have sex when you can network? You’ll call 427 people from the alumni database but you won’t call up one classmate for a date.
Though you will flirt. You’ll flirt and flirt and flirt. You’ll have a 7-hour conversation about the body parts of your sectionmates. You’ll drop the occasional innuendo and you’ll share a Scorpion Bowl. You’ll dance on occasion. And Lord knows you’ll attend the afterparty at SFP.

How come, then, will you not go horizontal? Because you have to get a good night’s sleep so you can spend tomorrow organizing the Private Equity Club Pajama Party mixer.

Theme parties, we have mastered. That is an area of competitive advantage. Hey, how about this: Let’s have a theme party where we all dress up as people who are interested in making out with other people! (Yes, we can have it at Pravda, if that helps ease the pain.)

Guys and gals, let’s look at ourselves in the mirror. At this point, the only difference between HBS and the University of Chicago GSB is the number of gargoyles in the architecture. Unless we’re willing to make some changes, we might as well throw in the towel and invite the UC students to a Gothic Celibacy Mixer.

Now you’re bristling. Ooooh, you hate to be criticized. You like to be the best at everything. You got a 750 GMAT and you figure you should be just as highly-ranked in the sensual arts. Well, tough. True, you kissed that chick at Newport. You had that awkward, drool-doused lovegrope during Foundations. Bully for you. But guess what? There are junior high kids with eyelid zits that have hooked up more than you.

It is true that there are 11 single people at HBS who are giving and receiving love on a semi-regular basis. All of them are too busy making whoopee to read “That Guy”, so don’t even pretend like you are one of them. And, hey, don’t look at me, I’m no role model. That Guy couldn’t catch tail if he were a giant rocking-chair in a room full of housecats. But that doesn’t mean I can’t criticize you. Hey: Roger Ebert doesn’t direct movies.

So back to the issue at hand: Love and your lack of it. Hey, look, this isn’t all about hitting home runs. How about a bloop single to left? If you are unattached, there is no good reason why you shouldn’t have kissed 50 people at HBS. Are you saving your lips for marriage? Maybe you’re afraid they’ll get stretched out and impede your ability to comment in class? Maybe you fear looking back on your deathbed and saying, “I just wish I hadn’t kissed all of those people.”

Loosen up! Here are some tips for injecting more love into your HBS experience:

1. Use Evite. We love using Evite! So organized, so automated! Go ahead, send one to someone. “You are cordially invited to my loins! Please RSVP by Thursday.”

2. The “resume” experiment. We’re good at optimizing things that will appear on our resume. So let’s add a “love experience” category to our CVs, tracking accomplishments such as “Improved lip suction by 70% over a 5-month period. Reduced saliva wastage by 2x. Invented a ‘snatch & retreat’ tongue maneuver that improved kissing satisfaction by 18% in one quarter.”

3. The “letter of reference” angle. Maybe we’d all work a little harder on our love lives if we had to compile a dossier of references. No one would want to get stuck with a perfunctory letter such as, “This is to confirm that Pete Petersen did manage, eventually, to make contact with my lips on
November 3, 2003, and did not entirely choke me with his tongue.”

4. Hookup Holiday. Based on empirical evidence, I frankly do not believe that you are willing or able to make the changes suggested above. That’s why I’m taking preemptive action.

That Guy is declaring Friday, December 5, 2003, to be HBS Hookup Day.

If you are married or engaged or involved, you are all set. Nice work. If not, you have Thanksgiving week to plan and one additional week to execute.

This HBS Hookup Holiday is not one of those “ha, ha, That Guy sure has wacky ideas!” moments. No, I have arranged with Carl Kester to have a grade assigned to each of you based on the affection skills you demonstrate on Dec. 5. You must be somewhere on the spectrum from holding hands to nude trapeze. Here are some guidelines about what counts:

– The European/aristocratic double cheek kiss: NO
– Wrestling in baby oil: YES
– Forwarding the Paris Hilton video: NO
– Watching the Paris Hilton video while wrestling in baby oil: YEP
– Sending someone a “sexy” emoticon on IM: No, and you’re expelled for asking

You have been warned. Now get out there and make something happen!