Performance Review: A BAD Quarter At Java Jamboree

Name of personnel evaluated: Dan Heath
Position: Assistant Barrista
Name of Evaluator: John Dinsmore, Store Manager
Evaluation Period: February 1 through April 30, 2004

1 = excellent
2 = highly effective
3 = satisfactory
4 = requires improvement
5 = unsatisfactory

Willingness to take on responsibility 4
Ability to work effectively with peers 5
Verbal communication skills 4
Organization skills 5
Punctuality/Attendance 1

Dan, on January 31 we gave you a performance review that served as a written warning of our concerns about your job performance. Since then we have noticed improvement in some areas. For example, you have stopped pretending that you are a dung beetle. Also, you are doing a better job of making change and no longer insisting that customers “round up.” However, your performance in most areas remains unsatisfactory.

We will outline four areas in which we expect to see improvement:

1. Acting responsibly. On March 18, a customer told you that he wanted a large hot coffee, and you told him that “hot costs extra”. We both know that there is no such price policy here at Java Jamboree.

On another occasion, we found you wearing a coffee filter over your face and telling customers that you “don’t like the way they smell”. After offending several dozen customers, you apparently went back to the storeroom and took a nap.

When confronted with these incidents, your defense is invariably that you are “thinking outside the box”. Dan, this is not acceptable. We must insist that you get back inside the box. Please remain inside the box until you are notified otherwise.

2. Greeting customers. In your training period, you were taught our GRINTM program for interacting with customers. You have consistently failed to implement GRINTM during your shifts. This is troubling to us because GRINTM is the bedrock of our Customer Compassion Initiative.

Dan, pretending to talk to customers with your belly button is not part of GRINTM (nor is serving customers without a shirt). We reject your defense that it’s not a joke and that your belly button really is talking. This behavior is simply not something that we can embrace at Java Jamboree.

In your last review, we insisted that you give each customer a verbal greeting when they enter the store. You have complied, but you have insisted on giving the greeting in the N|u African clicking language. This is not acceptable. We are pleased to have a bilingual employee, but we need you to greet the customers in English. However, if the customer initiates a conversation in the N|u clicking language, you are free to respond in kind.

Finally, please stop telling each customer that her “epidermis is showing”. This has not been funny for quite some time.

3. Wearing appropriate attire. On 112 occasions, i.e., every day that you have been to work, you have been cited for inappropriate clothing. To review, we ask that you wear a pressed pair of khakis and a Java Jamboree polo shirt. You may wear comfortable dress shoes or unscuffed hiking boots.

A thong is never appropriate, particularly on your face. Your response, that “You never said I couldn’t wear a thong on my face,” is unacceptable. Unfortunately, these literalist interpretations of the clothing handbook have become a habit of yours. To our disappointment, you only seem to respond to highly specific instructions.

For this reason, we have compiled the following list of items that are not to be worn as clothing in our stores: FBI (“Federal Breast Inspector”) T-shirts, fishnet stockings, any form of underwear worn on the outside of your clothing, Gravedigger tank tops, scarves made of PEZ, infrared goggles, capri pants, trash bags, boxes with arm or leg holes cut out, cling wrap, any article made from human hair, ketchup packets, anvils, gauze, chicken suits or any sort of costume, spray-on hair (on any part of your body except your head), bath mats, and babies. Also, WD-40 is not clothing. We hope this list helps to clear up any confusion you might have.

4. Treating management with respect. You have continued to treat the store management with an oppositional attitude. For example, on April 4, you began a “strike” for barrista health benefits. Dan, you already have health benefits. We reminded you of this, but then you continued to strike for “customer health benefits.” This is unacceptable. We simply cannot afford to provide health insurance for our customers. We must also insist that you come back to work immediately and stop defacing the Jamboree Latte-Lovin’ MonkeyTM.

This performance evaluation serves as a second written warning that your performance level is unsatisfactory. We expect to see immediate improvements in these areas or we will be forced to consider further disciplinary action, including, but not limited to, termination of your employment and revocation of your employee discount card. If you are unclear about any of these issues, please ask me for clarification, but please stop calling me at 4 am and saying that my epidermis is showing. Dan, it is unacceptable.