OK Men Unable to Perform

ALLSTON (OD Press)- A brisk autumn day…star players hampered by injury yet rising to the occasion…no goals and only faint lines painted on the field…this match had all the makings of an instant classic, except for the fact that apparently only one team knew how to play soccer. That team was none other than the mighty OD Intramural Squad! Obviously intimidated by OD’s ability to field a full team of players, OF was never able to hit stride. Led on offense by Peter “Stoichkov” Velikin’s hat trick, and anchored on “ODefense” by Yvonne “Not in my house” Cheng’s stifling play, OD leapt out to an early lead and never trailed, leading 3-0 at the half and pouring on the goals for a 6-0 victory when time expired not a moment too soon for the OK side.

At the post-game press conference, OD Captain Morio “Scorio” Alexander had lots to say about the opposition. “It was great that OD’s Derek “Jibba Jabba” Mendez and Cameron “Me and Mrs.” Jones combined for a shutout in the goal. But I think it’s my public duty to let all the fly HBS ladies in on something: the OK men are simply unable to perform. Not only do they shoot blanks, as evidenced by the score, but also they were worn out before the first half was even over. It comes as no surprise to me that OK was the only section unable to procreate and produce a new section this year. These guys are less able to get it on than Dirk Diggler after a 9-day coke binge.”

Play of the game:
Duncan “The Belgian Waffle” Van Bergen leapt in the air to win a contested header over OK, deftly passing to the face of Luis “I don’t play dirty” Sanchez, who nimbly executed a nose trap (after wowing the crowd with a crotch trap earlier in the game), then passed to Ray “Never Ruirong” Yang, causing two OK’ers to collide and create a gaping hole in the defense. Yang sped through the gap and fed the ball to the forwards. Futilely attempting to stifle their laughter, OD scored another easy goal on OK, and there was much rejoice.

1st Half
01:06 Peter “Stoichkov” Velikin
02:53 Peter “Stoichkov” Velikin
12:52 Peter “Stoichkov” Velikin

2nd Half
24:20 Cameron “Me and Mrs.” Jones
28:17 Brendan “I’m not Weird Al, Damnit” McGeever
33:44 Andre “The Giant” Silva

Final Score: OD 6, OK 0.