News In Brief:

EC Students Start Cramming for Friendships
(HBS) EC students on campus started cramming for friendships last week, just like they crammed for finals in college. According to the EC student Hal Kernan, “Once I realized there were only four weeks left of school, I started emailing all the people I’ve tangentially known over the past two years. Tomorrow I’m going to lunch with this guy I met during admit weekend and haven’t hung out with since. I can’t wait to hear what he’s been up to.” Kernan is not alone. “On Sunday I’m having a dinner with my Foundations study group that lasted only three days,” said student Kelly Mann. “Next Wednesday I’m meeting up with four of my five wormdeck-mates from Analytics.” The fifth wormdeck-mate reportedly responded to Mann’s email with a curt response – “What the hell’s the point?”

Charity Auction Benefits from Alcohol, Break-Up
(One Western Common Room) The Section T charity auction last Thursday night was an incredible success, proudly reported Section T Community Service Chair Tara Samuels. “We had an incredible turn-out this year,” beamed Samuels, “The HBS family really came together at this auction to show how much we care; students were incredibly generous with their donations and with their bidding. I think it stems from the fact that, deep down inside, we truly care about the well-being of those less fortunate. We all heard the call to be ‘leaders making a difference in the world’, and we decided to demonstrate just how much we’re willing to give to help make a homeless child’s dreams come true. Also, everyone was pretty wasted, which helped the bidding along nicely.”

In addition to reaping the benefits of the section’s latent alcoholism, the auction also benefited from a section-mate’s recent break-up to her long-distance boyfriend. “We suddenly got some fabulous last-minute donations,” continued Samuels, “Including a pair of diamond solitaire earrings, an engraved photo frame that says ‘True Love Lasts a Lifetime’, and a half-used bottle of Chanel perfume. Hell, if I’d have known how many great gifts we could get from a break-up, I would’ve started wrecking peoples’ relationships months ago!”

“After all,” Samuels continued, “it’s all for a good cause.”

H-BS is a parody section of Harbus Humor. Marc Teillon (OF) wrote the “Cramming for Friendships” piece, and Maria Wich-Vila (NE) wrote the rest. Maria is desperately hoping that Marc will hit the screen and be forced to return next semester to write for the section. Marc’s profs: kindly take note! She is also secretly hoping that any closeted humor writers out there who actually read this little italicized thingee at the bottom will think about contributing to the Humor section next year. Screw the “Future Investors of America” club; nothing will impress that Goldman Sachs recruiter like having “humor writer” in your resume, honest!