HUPD Raids Morgan Hall, Busts Theft Ring

(Morgan Hall) In what campus officials describe as a “game-changer in the fight against campus vice,” HUPD raided the offices of the TOM faculty late last night and were seen carrying large amounts of contraband out of the building, including laptops, bicycles, cartons of cigarettes and an illegal slot machine.

Sources within HUPD confirmed that the raid resulted from a month-long investigation into the rash of campus thefts. According to police, associate professors seeking tenure were instructed to “pilfer or perish.” The stolen property was then fenced through the Accounting and Control department and proceeds were used to fund lavish parties, a global research center on Martha’s Vineyard and the Harvard Business School Social Enterprise Initiative.

While HUPD has been investigating the TOM faculty for several months, the Harbus has learned that the big break came late last week from an unidentified person calling from the Arthur Rock Center for Entrepreneurship exposed the whole racket. While nobody knows the mystery caller’s identity, most administrators believe that an adjunct lecturer from a rival teaching unit made the call in an attempt to curry favor with the ‘real’ faculty.

The TOM faculty have well-known and long-standing internecine feuds with several other teaching units. A senior faculty member, who asked not to be identified said “My colleagues in the TOM unit are some of the harshest this side of the Charles. Whoever ratted them out can expect to take a long – very long – sabbatical in the near future.”