Aries (March 21-April 19)
A year from now, you will discover your statements on “incentivizing the workforce” have little meaning outside of Aldrich when you are snapped back to reality by your beeping deep fryer at McDonald’s.
Taurus (April. 20-May 20)
Never judge a book by it’s cover, they always say, unless it happens to be your cover letter full of half-truths and misspellings.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your date with the woman from section will go extraordinarily well until she stumbles upon the vast porn collection in your apartment.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
You will never complain again about the professor not focusing the overhead after you are blinded by a freak light bulb explosion in FRC.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
This month, the stars are providing you with some advice on recruiting season: Don’t even bother.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Whoever said money can’t buy love obviously never worked as an investment banker as you have.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
If the lack of applause for your guests in section does not provide you with an indication of your popularity, the thumbtacks “accidentally” left on your seat certainly should.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
This is a lucky month for you. Play roulette at Foxwoods this month and bet your entire CitiAssist balance on 23. The worst that can happen is that you finally understand your gullibility, which will improve the quality of your classroom participation.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
A fool and his money are soon parted, but a fool and other people’s money are soon made portfolio managers. Also, you are a fool.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your fantasy football quarterback will blow out his ACL in Week 5. Sorry, that’s about all the stars have for you.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The movie “Stealing Harvard” takes on extra significance for you after your PayPal club dues embezzlement scheme is uncovered.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Everyone’s ship is due to come in. Yours happens to be a dinghy.
The Magic 8 Ball is a Miss Cleo certified astrologer and featured columnist in the Harbus. He and his posse can often be consulted in the Spangler Grille.