Horoscopes: With The Magic 8 Ball
Aries (March 21-April 19)
If the lack of applause for your guests in section did not provide you with an indication of your popularity, the bear trap under your seat certainly will.
Taurus (April. 20-May 20)
Never judge a book by it’s cover, they always say, unless it happens to be your cover letter full of half-truths and misspellings.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Your date with the woman from your section will go extraordinarily well until she stumbles upon the vast porn collection in your apartment.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Like the eagle, many of your classmates will soar to new heights and great sucesses, you, however are better represented by the buzzard of middle management.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will find that your statements on “incentivizing the workforce” have little meaning outside of your sky deck perch when you are snapped back to reality by your beeping deep fryer at McDonald’s this summer.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Whoever said money can’t buy love obviously never worked as an investment banker as you have.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
You will wish you had paid more attention to the 6 C’s of Marketing when inventories of your $19.99 chewing gum recycler pile up in your garage.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Perhaps you should have paid off those debts to that loan shark, as your broken kneecaps do not allow for easy access to your middle seat in the warning track.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
It might be time to “accidentally” set fire to that startup you’ve been sinking cash into over the last year.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Your protest rally for returning to the gold standard ends on a hollow note when you buy refreshments for everyone with Crimson Cash.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Even though commodity trading is your dream job, you may want to think twice about listing “farm animals” as an interest on your resume.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
You will never complain again about the professor not focusing the overhead after you are blinded by a freak light bulb explosion in Negotiation.
