In an attempt to continue keeping HBS honest and grounded, That Guy offers the following dictionary to describe the truisms of the HBS experience.
Aldregs: The curiously awful coffee served by the carts in Aldrich Hall.
Alohedge: A half-nod (or was it?) in the direction of someone you think you’ve met (but can’t be sure).
Alt-tabulation: Quickly clicking off an embarrassing screen in class in hopes that the people behind you won’t see it.
Beginnihana: The mental state that allows an RC to feel himself capable of solving enormous operational problems after tackling 7 TOM cases.
Carpe Dief: Latin, literally, “Seize the Dief”-or, the rush to be the first person in class to identify the key problem in the Donner case as Arthur Dief. See also “Rhapsodief,” the enthusiastic sharing of the Dief secret by an EC to an RC.
Clubbered: Being deluged with colored, excessively punctuated emails from student organizations that, for all practical purposes, do not exist except on the resume of the club’s President.
Commentose: A feeling of utter intellectual numbness resulting from too many consecutive case-based classes.
Consultation Prize: Having the 2nd half of Hell Week off after getting dinged in the first round.
Dangling Shad: A technique used to convince admitted students to enroll at HBS.
Deafenestration: Throwing a classmate-who refuses to talk louder, despite frequent knocks-out a window.
“Double-click on”: This is not a sniglet. This is a warning. People of HBS: Stop using this phrase to mean “explore,” as in “Let’s double-click on the idea of TQM and see how it applies to this situation.” Don’t do it again, ever. If this is an attempt to stay hip by using a fancy Internet metaphor, then you should know something: To follow a web link, you only need A SINGLE CLICK. That Guy has an idea for you, “double-clickers”: Next time you have the urge to use this diabolical phrase, use the word “cyber-tickle” instead. E.g., “Let’s cyber-tickle what Jason said.” If you use the word “cyber-tickle” out loud, you will sound neither more nor less ridiculous than you sound saying “double-click.” So stop it. This time the warning is friendly, next time the horse loses its head. Thank you, please continue.
Exhibitionist: Someone whose misreading of the exhibits leads to an embarrassingly flaccid act of participation.
Gloomerang: Complaining about HBS to someone who is so appallingly content that the contrast leaves you feeling even more despondent.
Hackneed: The urge to use eardrum-shattering cliches such as “slippery slope” and “open the kimono.”
Incombotence: The pathetic inability to open one’s Spangler distribution box.
Intercommese: The tone used in communications by the administration, which is characterized by its close resemblance to the tone used by your junior-high vice-principal in making morning announcements about the dress code over the school loudspeaker.
Jackasks: People who ask questions that they already know the answer to.
Lamedropper: A professor having a tendency to make frequent, conspicuous mentions of powerful Wall Street or Silicon Valley friends who, despite their considerable wealth, are still several steps down from Screech on the coolness ladder.
Monoccupied: Describes a Spangler project room that has been taken over by a single smug jerk surfing the web.
Oenophileophobe: The fear of being stuck at dinner with someone who likes to flaunt his knowledge of wine.
Questurbation: The act of asking a question when you don’t care what the answer is but just want to sound intelligent.
Randicapped: A man who is so visibly desperate to score that all potential mates are scared off.
Saddhustic: Taking pleasure from questioning the ethics of others.
Seesawlutations: The awkward moment of trying to decide whether to say “hi” in the hallway to the person you haven’t seen since Crimson Greetings.
Spangst: The anxiety triggered by walking through Spangler and worrying that other people are (a) studying harder than you; (b) networking better than you; (c) better-looking than you; (d) all of the above.
Stolipsistic: The view that vodka is the only thing that can be known and verified.
Superterraneurosis: The anxiety and disorientation felt by ECs who can no longer use the tunnels.
Tomnabulist: The guy from Toyota who sleepwalks his way through TOM class with maddening ease.
Trispangulate: To hone in on another party in Spangler using a cell phone and various local landmarks.
Zebrag: A resume, or, lies about oneself in black and white.
* That Guy offers apologies to Rich Hall, who authored the Sniglets book series. But don’t think you can sue an anonymous person, buddy.