Get Rid of the September Cohort:

Being a September is rather like a social disease. There are 600 of these slow-witted students plodding around campus, clogging up the lines at Spangler and making life generally inconvenient for everyone. Do we really need this sort of dead weight walking around campus?
Widely regarded as being mentally inferior, we recently learned that the majority of September students were wait-listed for admission to Carnegie-Mellon University. And furthermore, an unnamed source in the
administration revealed that they originally considered calling it the “Remedial Cohort” but changed their minds for purely political reasons.

If that’s not enough for you, just check out the statistics released by the HBS Endowment Committee, which showed that September students are among the lowest wage earners, owing mostly to their lack of business acumen and social skills.

Are these REALLY the types of students that we want representing us? After all, most of them had trouble memorizing the 4 Ps! And yet, after an 8-week internship this summer, where they spent their days wandering about in a drunken stupor, they all came back to school claiming to be “industry experts” because of their “previous experience.”

Friends, the time has come to rid ourselves of this scourge. We must purge our mentally-challenged counterparts. We must get rid of the September Cohort!
It’s the right thing to do.