News in Brief

Apple claims production of green sapphire crystals for iPhone fingerprint scanners “is totally not actually Kryptonite, we promise”
Crazy-massive tech company Apple is once again ramping up production of seemingly-odd internal components well in advance of sales of the newest edition of its iPhone. The latest item to make its way through Apple’s supply chain is so-called “green sapphire crystal” ostensibly for use in the company’s new fingerprint scanners, included in every new iPhone sold. “Fingerprint scanners represent a step change in authentication technology with real benefits for consumers, and ensuring an ample supply of green sapphire crystal is key to our success in the mobile space,” said company spokesperson Alexander
Luthor at a recent press conference. “And no, no relation to that Luthor. Why do people keep asking me that?” Mr. Luthor declined to comment on recently-discovered company-owned patent applications detailing plans to build a “green sapphire crystal ray” capable of shooting “faster than a speeding bullet”.

Bitcoin still being treated as a real thing by people who should know better
Real news agencies (like, with real readers and everything) appear to still be whacking on about Bitcoin. The Harbus doesn’t know about the content of the story and cares even less, but will offer this perspective: anyone who is so involved in virtual life that they become a victim of some kind of pixelated heist to take the balance of their account that they use to buy Snargles, or some words of advice from the Veiled Sorceress, or are saving up so they can buy the Blade of Gramaran, The Avenging Wizard of Agramon, should take this as their cue to go do something else. Please.

Man discovers he looks like “a bit of a tool” in newest edition of Google Glass
Google recently unveiled the latest edition of their wearable personal computing device, dubbed “Google Glass”. Andrew Langtry, 57, of Peabody Terrace told the Harbus in an exclusive interivew, “Yeah, I was just walking around down McAllister Street and caught my reflection in a bus stop, and I dunno, I just thought – ‘Who’s that giant tool? Oh…what? IT’S ME!’ Literally that’s what I said, out loud, y’know. I don’t think they’re the best idea.” While some may say that Mr. Langtry’s should have taken fashion legend Diane Von Furstenburg’s word for it when even she realized she couldn’t make the tech giant’s products look acceptable, he retorts “there’s just something about looking like Geordi La Forge that sounds way cooler than it ends up being.” Clearly disappointed, he sighed and finished by saying, “I just really thought I’d at least look a little bit more like Robocop.”

BlackBerry scraps plans to sell company to private buyer, smartphones to individuals
Citing difficulty convincing customers to purchase handsets from a company seen as “distressed”, BlackBerry last week announced that it would fire its current CEO, withdraw from negotiations to go private, and position the company for success in the mobile space. Among topics not discussed was a plan to actually position the company for success in the mobile space. Interim CEO John Chen was not reachable for comment, but in an earlier interview stated that he had “no plans to shutter the company’s handset business”, while raising his eyebrows suggestively and pointing to a copy of his resume detailing his extensive experience running Sybase, an enterprise software company with no smartphone unit.

Boston-area school districts commemorate start of Movember by rerouting buses to avoid HBS campus
Boston Public Schools interim superintendent John McDonough has advised all bus drivers to avoid Harvard Business School and “all surrounding areas where business school students may congregate – this includes the main HBS campus, Peabody Terrace, the Kong, Tommy Doyle’s, and Café Luna on Sundays.”
When asked if security was the motivating factor behind the advisory, McDonough replied “security? Ah jeez, of course not – we just don’t want our kids thinking these weak mustaches are acceptable! We’ll let the buses head back through the square in a couple of weeks, once this John Waters garbage is behind us and we’ve got some strong Tom Sellecks to serve as role models for the youth.”

Indian space agency announces plans to launch HBS EKTA afterparty to Mars
“We felt that the set of interpersonal challenges faced by a long-term space mission to Mars could best be overcome by the unique combination of ex-consultants, ex-bankers, and occasional non-profit worker that only HBS can offer,” said Dr. K. Radhakrishnan, Chairman of the Indian Space Research Organization. When asked for comment, HBS Section H Senator Casey Gerald responded that while he was disappointed that he’d have to redesign his artfully-crafted logo, he was “excited at this opportunity to expand MBAs Across America to new heights.”