Reflections on a New England Winter

As Spring approaches here in Boston, it’s important to remember a few simple facts:

At 60ø F:
Texans wear coats, gloves, and woolly hats.
New Englanders sunbathe.

At 50ø F:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
New Englanders plant gardens.

At 40ø F:
Italian cars won’t start.
New Englanders drive with the windows down.

At 32ø F:
Distilled water freezes.
Lake Winnapesaukee cools off.

At 20ø F:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
New Englanders have the last cookout before it gets cold.

At 15ø F:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
New Englanders throw on a “sweatah.”

At 0ø F:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
New Englanders take in the flag.

At -20ø F:
People in Houston cease to exist.
New Englanders get out winter coats.

At -40ø F:
Hollywood disintegrates.
New England Girl Scouts still sell cookies door to door.

At -60ø F:
Penguins flee Antarctica.
New Englander Boy Scouts hold “Winter Survival” classes.

At -80ø F:
Mount St. Helen’s freezes.
New Englanders rent videos.

At -100ø F:
Santa Claus abandons the
North Pole.
New Englanders are frustrated because they can’t thaw the keg.

At -297ø F:
Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Cows in Rhode Island complain of farmers with cold hands.

At -460ø F-Absolute Zero:
Atomic motion stops.
New Englanders ask: “Cold `nuff for ya?”

At -500ø F:
Hell freezes over.
The Red Sox win the World Series.