Extra-Large Backpacks Now #1 Cause of Accidents on HBS Campus

Spangler Quad, MA: Extra-large backpacks replaced pit diving this month for the number-one cause of accidents on the HBS Campus. The study, carefully coordinated by the Section D Health Inspector, found that the growing number of extra-large backpacks on campus is resulting in a massive increase in visits to the Cumnock Health Center.

Dr. Diarra Lamar of Cumnock In-Human Services offered his thoughts: “Backpack incidents, or Pack Attacks as we call them, are overwhelming our emergency services staff, and let me tell you I’m not happy about it.” Dr. Lamar cited the growing number of cases of people getting hit by or tripping over backpacks, random incidences of backspasms, and a growing number of back deformities. “Our mobile emergency units have had trouble responding to the growing number of people that have fallen – and just can’t get up. Their backpacks have them actually pinned to the ground.

Meanwhile, a recent fire drill in Hawes 101 demonstrated a new, life threatening risk that affects emergency exits and staircases everywhere. With all the packs blocking major exits, students just couldn’t make it out of the classroom. Fortunately, no one was harmed in the incident, as the students figured out that they could just crawl inside them and wait for help to arrive.

But don’t think that the news will affect the wearers of these sleek and stylish accessories any time soon. Readers had this to say when news of the backpacks became public:

“You take my backpack, you take my soul. Which one does the Man want from me now?” commented Amuleek Bijral, while sporting his 25-pound Mammoth Pack from Northface.

“When you live off campus, like me, you have to bring certain things to class,” revealed Dave Otten of OF. “My 50-pound pack holds the bare essentials, like soap, water-drinking and bath-towels, an air mattress, a full bar, some candles, my library of romance novels and last year’s cases. It’s hard to believe how light it is.”

Denis Vasilev, an MBA student from Russia, reminded us of the cultural importance of backpacks: “In Russia, backpacks are a statement that shouts: ‘If you touch my backpack, I will break you.’ So I carry one filled with rocks and other weapons for self defense.”

“This backpack is all I have,” stated Steve Adams of OD, “Seriously.”
The Harbus recommends that HBS students recognize the growing threat of backpacks on campus, and keep an eye out for the ongoing list of Danger Zones published by In-Human Services.

October’s Five Leading Causes of Accidents on the HBS Campus

1. Extra-Large Backpacks
2. Chair tilting in the Baker Reading Room
3. Spangler Coffee/Leg cramps from standing in the Spangler Sushi Line (tied for 3rd)
4. In-Class cell phone usage
5. Scorpion Bowl poisoning/Contaminated Flip Cups (tied for 5th)